This is a
checkpoint blogpost regarding my battle against anxiety disorder. I am very blessed to have detected my anxiety
disorder at an early stage. It may have
been at an early stage but its manifestations gave me a feeling of discomfort
and fear – sudden accelerated heartbeat, panting, sweaty palms, feeling
nauseous, dizzy and fainting, feelings of wobbliness on my knees, sensibility to
large groups/crowds, crowded areas (agoraphobia) and inability to conduct meetings at
work. My husband encouraged me to talk
to a psychologist, psychiatrist and eventually, these professionals have been
helping me cope with my anxiety disorder.
I was out
on medical leave for 1,5 months. I spent
my medical leave understanding my situation, attending meditation, yoga,
acupuncture, therapeutic sessions, medical appointments and getting used to my
medicines. I also spent a great deal of
my medical leave coming to terms with myself - sulking and crying as part of my
acceptance, walking alone and enjoying my quiet solitude.
Fast
forward to today. It´s been more than 2 months since I went back to work, thank
you Papa Jesus.. and this is the 1st week that I stopped taking one
of my medicines, as advised by my doctor.
I still have a chill pill as a fallback in cases of emergency and I continue
to take a daily pill to balance my moods and my biochemical. I continue to dedicate time to physical
activities; I am not sporty but I make sure that I do my stationery bike, 20-30
minutes at a minimum of 4 days a week, I continue to do basic yoga and
meditation and I continue to practice the very challenging mindfulness (carpe
diem, seize the day!) and in every
opportunity that I have, I walk.
I do my
meditation in the morning. When I wake
up, I stretch and meditate. I do not
immediately jump off my bed when I hear my alarm clock. Rather, I take my
clock, put the alarm off, close my eyes, start my day with my prayers of
gratitude (how I love hearing my sweetie snore next to me) and then do some
stretching. If and when needed, I also
meditate in the office and in the public transport. It is a must that I meditate at night time,
usually after my stationery bike as it is the part of the day that I liberate
myself, my body, my mind and my thoughts from what took place during the day.
It is like being naked as I just take off whatever emotion that I have and I
reconnect to myself, to my God. I
meditate with or without music. In most
cases, without music as I just want to hear myself breathing and connect with
the sounds surrounding me.
Music and
cooking have been integral parts of my coping mechanisms. I have a collection of relaxing, mindfulness
music in my mobile phone and Spotify, I try to sing a lot at my convenience,
that means singing while cooking and while at the shower jajajajaja and I also
cook a lot. I enjoy the quiet solitude
my small but useful and functional kitchen offers. I love cooking even if I am just an amateur
cook as it is a manifestation of my love to my family. I spend my personal time and attention
concocting dishes with love for them! On
instances that I get disoriented while cooking or in any occasion, I close my
eyes, take a deep breath and I remind myself that I am in xxx place and doing
xx thing… I also constantly remind myself that nothing can go wrong, that we
are protected, we are safe… It is part of the mantra that I whisper to myself.
I love my
job and I am a very dedicated professional.
I continue to have career aspirations that´s why I pour my 100% dedication at work. But there are days that work schedule is just
crazy and hectic. And that is where that
I need to step-up, challenge myself not to get too immersed at work. Meaning
what can be done at 10 hours can be done but it does not mean that I will work
for 16 hours. I practice mindfulness at
work by focusing on one task at a time.
Although I am an excellent multi-tasker, mindfulness has helped me to finish
a task, focus better and not get distracted.
I notice that my productivity and the quality of my output have
increased.
At home, my
mindfulness and my quest for tranquility, peace, serenity and good health has
helped me to become more peaceful as a person.
I remember before I easily flare up when things are not done my way,
when I said it.. But now, I pay more attention to my son and my husband, I seek
help when I need to do some household chores and I am more open to negotiations
especially with my son, it is a good practice for him to defend his reasoning
and his point of view. I am grateful to
the aromatic oil diffuser that my mother in law gave me as birthday present. I
have been using it since then. I love
the scent of lavender, mixed coco and lotus flower oils and cinnamon and coco!
Jejejeje
I haven´t
taken caffeine, coffee since mid October 2017.
Though I really cannot veer away from sweets as I am born with a sweet
tooth, I try to lessen my chocolate intake and prepare homemade desserts, pies
and breads. I drink a lot of
non-caffeine, herbal liquids.
I talk to a
lot of people regarding my anxiety disorder.
The society should be open to accepting and dealing with these mental disorders. I also learned very recently, that it is a
common “ailment” here in Spain. In fact,
in my current workplace, when people learned that I am suffering from anxiety,
they approached me to comfort me and tell me that they have been at one point
in the same situation. I openly talk
about my anxiety to remove the stigma on people who talk with psychologists and
psychiatrists, to show that we can continue to live a normal life though there
are days that we feel that we cannot get out of our bed.
My heart is
always bursting with gratitude and I always try to put on a positive
disposition. I know that my struggles
with anxiety has its reason and I am thankful that I am able to live with it. Maybe I will need to take my medicines for a
longer time, it does not matter, the important thing is my level of
self-understanding and self-awareness is more profound as I battle my
anxiety.
Thank you
my dear Lord and my Savior for your healing grace. Thank you to my husband, my son, the rest of
my family and friends, my colleagues at work for all the love and support.
When man
prays, God works. There is no wound nor
ailment that God cannot heal.
Thank you.
Useful reads regarding anxiety:
https://aleteia.org/2018/02/28/i-think-im-having-panic-attacks-what-should-i-do/
https://aleteia.org/2018/01/17/how-to-distinguish-anxiety-from-an-anxiety-disorder/
https://aleteia.org/2018/06/05/this-simple-prayer-of-st-teresa-of-avila-can-calm-your-nerves-when-youre-afraid-or-anxious/
