I have read many times in self help books and in positive
quotes that we should not linger so much on what we have, because everything
changes, things change in a year’s time. You will not be in the same situation in a year´s time. And I say Amen! Alleluia! to that. This too shall pass.
To those of you who have read my previous posts, it will
ring a bell to you that I have been diagnosed with agoraphobia and anxiety
disorder. It was a real struggle! My peak with my anxiety struggles started on
April 2018. I was trembling, shaking, I
had wobbly legs and knees, my palms were sweaty, I had palpitations, discomfort and uneasiness.
I broke down in public places (in the bus, in the grocery, in the streets while
walking). I would cry for no reason. I could
not conduct meetings. I got scared being in a meeting room with my colleagues
at work. For the first time in my 20
years of corporate, professional life, I had to go on medical leave as I dealt
with the side effects of the medication.
Fast forward to today, a year after. How am I doing? I am still alive and kicking! I am more grateful than ever! I am more positive than ever! I am more
patient than ever (both my husband and my son could attest to this. Gone are the days when I would go berserk due
to fatigue or pressure. Praise God!) and I love and respect my self, my me time
more than ever. I have made a business
trip to Dallas and nailed all the meetings, presentations, arguments and jetlag
without any chill pill. I travelled to Florence
and Dubai and was able to go to the airport
without feeling dizzy and discomfort.
Self love, meditation, self care and inner peace are the important
lessons that my struggles against anxiety has taught me. Before, as a working mother, I felt the need
to do things in a fast paced manner. My mindset was getting the task done asap
so I can just sit down and do nothing. But
in the process of doing the household task, I was grumpy. I felt tired but my stubbornness got the better
of me and prevented me from resting first before doing the task. I got the task done but I was mad, angry,
tired and unhappy.
My awareness on inner peace and self love has tremendously
increased. I had to let go of all of my
grudges and guilt. I had to forgive myself from all the hurt
that I have intentionally and unintentionally caused people around me especially
my loved ones. I had to forgive those who
have intentionally and unintentionally hurt me and my loves. And in the process of liberating myself from
these grudges and guilt, I removed negativity from my life and embraced love, peace,
acceptance and good vibes. This is not
to say that I no longer get pissed off.
After all, I am a human being.
But as soon as I feel that I am starting to breathe fire hehe, I
take a deep breath, I close my eyes, which is my way of reminding myself to be
in control. I am really flattered every
time my husband and my son would tell me that I am longer as grumpy, as impatient,
as temperamental as I was before. Take
note that this is not an overnight thing though. It is a process. Baby steps and one step at a time.
I have also learned to really prioritize what I have to do
instead of starting everything. Although I am an expert multi tasker, I now
take pride in starting a single task, savoring the moment while doing that task
(mindfulness) and eventually finishing that task before I proceed to another
one. This has tremendously increased my
productivity, my efficiency and my satisfaction.
Self love and self care has taught me to dedicate time to
myself, to recharge, to nourish my spirit, my mind, my mental health and to
devote time to activities that matter to me.
I love to be with my family. But
it is different taking long walks by yourself than being with a lovely 8 year
old boy who stops at every store or at anything that strikes his
curiosity. I spend time doing things that
matter to me. I read my books (even if
this means spending time 30 minutes in the toilet hahaha), I do my meditation
and yoga, I spend time doing my physical activities – walking, footing, a
little bit of aerobics hahaha. In as
much as I love to spend time with my love ones in the kitchen, sometimes, I
request them to give me the space that I need as I whip delicious family
dishes. As I combat my anxiety, I have learned
to love cooking, baking easy muffins, cookies and bread and consider them as my
great stress busters! I continue to
spend time and fortune hahahahah doing my aromatic, therapeutic body and facial
massage.
I also practice gratitude a lot. In fact in my home sweet home, I have a
gratitude jar where I write in my post its, the reasons why I am thankful. One time, I had a very very busy day at
work. The moment I arrived at work until
I finished the work day, I was in 8 meetings.
I am grateful that I was able to manage that day. I am thankful for the many times that my
husband is able to help me in doing some of the household chores. More importantly, I am thankful that my
husband has finished his post grad work with extremely flying colors because
this means that he can spend more time with us!
I am still taking a long term medication to regulate my chemicals
and my reaction. But I just take my
chill pill when needed. I can say that I
am okay. I prayed a lot and I continue
to pray. I know anxiety is a disorder
than cannot be cured, it can be managed though.
It comes and it goes. I am a work
in progress as I continue to build my inner peace and rely on mental, emotional
strength and my faith. God will always
provide. When the going gets tough, it is important to keep calm, pray, breath
heavily and believe that this is just a phase and this too shall pass.
Prayer during anxiety attacks:
Let nothing bother you. Let
nothing burden you. All things are
passing away. God never changes.
Patience obtains everything. Whoever
has God lacks nothing, God alone suffices.