Parenting Journey: The Power of Positive Reinforcement

Parenting Journey:  The Power of Positive Reinforcement

I love my son! He is my life! He is my life´s greatest blessing.  But the reality is there are days that I am dealing with a challenging 2^nd grader who is developing his personality, insisting on his wants, doing things his way and in the process is oblivious to my pleas.  Has this ever happened to you?  That blood just wanted to come out of your eyes, ears and nose or you wanted to slam your head into the four corners of your beautiful home because you have been repeating yourself, saying the same things over and over again? Hahahahaha If not, I am happy for you and please share your tips. Because I am pretty sure in our community/circle of moms, we can all learn from one another!  Thank you in advance.  And in the process that you have faced, are facing a similar challenge, how did you deal with it?  

In this post, I want to share with you a classic, old school method that our children really appreciate – The Power of Positive Reinforcement.  This is a technique that is not only applicable in dealing with our children but also in dealing with our colleagues at work or adults in general.  This is a non-conflictive approach, but it takes a lot of patience and practice to develop it as a habit especially if we are just so exhausted and just wanted things done right away (Ahora Mismo en Español) or my way (A mi manera en Español).  This is a collaborative and a humble approach. 

These are some tips that will help us develop habits and help us solicit attention and action from our little ones: 

1.  When the little one is not paying attention or is ignoring our requests, before we explode or lose our temper, let us:  close our eyes and take a deep breath. This kind of breathing that you actually hear yourself breathing. This will help you to be more tranquil and be clearer when talking to  your little one. This will help us to speak and “give orders” in a calm manner that they don’t sound like orders.  Speaking in a calm, clear manner solicits positive action from the child, as opposed to loud/screaming orders.  Children are very perceptive, if they sense that we are getting nervous  - we start talking fast, our voice tone is increasing we are almost shouting, they become nervous and have the tendency to be loud leading to a cycle of repetition instead of immediate action. 

2.   When talking to your little one, ensure that you keep an eye to eye contact; it must be a loving eye to eye contact not a threatening eye contact hahahaha.  It does not make perfect sense that you are telling the little one to organize his toys while you are in the kitchen.  The eye to eye contact enables us to tell the little one that this is a serious business and that you are with him.  This is paying attention to each other.  Also looking into the child´s eyes will enable you to give him a loving gaze encouraging and empowering him to do the task.  

3.   Use catchy and super polite phrases that reinforce appreciation and feelings of love and letting them believe of their capability to do the task!   I think I already told you that I am polite, right? Hahahaha Even if we are dealing with children, they have feelings which must be addressed.  Thus, we should speak to them with love.  

a.      Examples:

                                                    i.     This is going to be a busy weekend. You brought home a couple of homeworks.  As a big boy who is learning so much from school, you finish your homework first and then will enjoy the weekend to the max! What do you think of that? 

                                                   ii.     Wow! I love the trains and the comics and books that you have published!! But what is this? Why is the study table messy?  Please organize your toys.  As a growing big boy, you need to store your things that way, you will know where they are and refrain from asking me to look for them.  I don´t ask you where my bags are, right?

4.  Focus on the positive outcome that is expected of the situation; of the collaboration of the little one. 

a.      Example:  Son, mama needs to organize the living room.  And because we need to go the park, you like to go to the park right? Please tidy up you room.  We will leave to go to the park as soon as you are done organizing your room, okay? – it may sound redundant, but we are selling the idea. 

5.  Be insistent.  Children will sometimes try to circumvent by running/jumping around, pretending to be sleeping or ust simply pretend not hearing you.  We must be insistent in a pleasant manner and look them in the eyes. A no is always a no.  Sometimes, our NO answer falls into their deaf ears and what must be done? Insist that it is a NO but in a positive way: 

a.      Example: 

                                                    i.     Son:  Mom, can you please buy me this toy?  Mom:  No, son, we have already bought you a toy for your birthday.  Son: But mom, I do not have this model yet. Please mom, I have been a good boy so please buy me this toy.  Mom:  Yes son, you are always a good boy but we did not talk about buying the toy today.  Take a look at the toy, enjoy looking at it and when you are finished, let´s go home.  We can buy it next time, maybe after your judo tournament, but today No. 

                                                   ii.     Mom:  Ei, it´s time to take a shower, please close the tv.  Son:  No! I still want to watch the program.  Mom:  Ei, please close the tv.  It´s time to take a shower.  (and imagine no reply).  Now, the parent should approach the little kid, look him or her in the eye and say  I understand that you love the program.  And I love seeing you enjoying the program.  But now, it´s time to take a shower.  So please listen to me and help me.  Please close the tv and get ready for your shower.  Thank you. 

6.  Set the limits. As we are helping them build skills and  develop the discipline to own up to a task and finish the task, we should set limits.  They cannot be doing a simple task of organizing their toys for 2 hours.  The same thing, to help them concentrate, it is not advisable to tell them to finish their assignment or seatworks when the study table is cluttered with toys.  They will be distracted instead of focused. 

7.  Coming up with a To Do List, in chronological order, will help them develop the habit and visually, if they are not yet able to read, will help remind them on what needs to be done. – I actually have this at home.  There are days that my son is grumpy and I will ask him, oh you are grumpy, you are screaming aloud, where is that behavior in this list? Hehehehe

8.  Celebrate big time all the milestones! Go flamboyant, go all out with your praises when the little one successfully collaborates (Great Job!! Good Job!!! You are the best!! Oh your room is spic and span! Thank you for cleaning it up! This is the most beautiful train or drawing that I have seen!! I am so proud of you!!).  They our children, we need to do our part in affirming their self esteem.  Also, a little rewarding will help (such as extra 15 minutes of their favorite cartoon, a new but inexpensive toy or book, etc). 

Thank you for reading this post and  please share your tips on positive parenting.  

And lastly, thank you my son for being a kind, obedient, loving and sensible boy.  Mom and Dad always love you!!! 

Have a good day to all!!